My youngest son John was about to graduate from basic training. And I was about to face two of my greatest fears. It was hard to imagine that the child everyone teased me about being “my baby” had been through some of the toughest days of his life and made it out of the grueling boot camp training. The actual youngest of the family, Marissa, planned to join me at the commencement. We were to fly into St. Louis Lambert International Airport, rent a car and head to the military installation at Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri, situated in the beautiful Ozarks.
I was so nervous and excited, my stomach was tied in knots. Also, a bit of guilt kept returning over missing the commencement of two of his other brothers. “Different life situations” was a mantra repeated in my mind, hoping to alleviate the guilt all mother’s carry with them at times. But I was going to get to see this boy graduate and I had to concentrate on that. I am not a big city driver, and I had a rental car. I was a bit terrified, but could not let the child seated next to me see her mom resemble a quivering bowl of gelatin. But this wasn’t one of my greatest fears.
With great excitement, we joined the other families in the hall. I knew to expect my young son to more resemble a man then before he left. Just as the two sons before him had when they returned home. All the soldiers marched in, the music and my heart swelled. But I couldn’t find my son anywhere. I feel my stomach jumping again. Now their back were towards me, but I still searched for him in vain. A million questions assailed me. If he was here, what kind of mom didn’t recognize her own child, even if he had changed some. As soon as the beautiful program was over, the little I was able to notice. Suddenly, in front of me was my handsome, beautiful child. Her dark, warm brown eyes smiled into my eyes…through the largest pair of military issued ugly glasses I had only seen! No wonder I couldn’t find my own son! His sister and I hugged and kissed him so much, I’m sure he was embarrassed. Again, thinking of my other two going through this and no mom to hug them ate at me. Guilt…be gone please.
We enjoyed our small time together so much. As usual, when John and Marissa are together, I am usually on the sidelines. They are only two years apart, and to this day both agree they are best friends. Sometimes they seem more like twins with their own language and inner jokes. It is a joy to watch them. It was so hard to tear myself from him and leave him behind to further his training. I knew other mother’s and father’s that day had it worse as their children were already off to war zones. His time would come later. But this was my child, and now, and I would miss him so.
We traveled back to St. Louis. Next stop was the airport, but first I had to fulfill a promise I made to myself. Here comes the fear stuff. I needed to somehow find the courage to actually go to the top of the famous Gateway Arch! 630 feet in the air! I am terrified of heights! It is the world’s tallest arch. Besides the height factor, I would have to place my child and my severly claustrophobic self into what appeared to be a slightly larger front-loading washer to get up each and every one of those terrifying feet!
There was a long wait for the ride up, but inch by inch the line moved closer to my terror. My fear must of shown clearly on my face because my daughter mentioned several times she could go alone. What kind of mom could do that? Bad enough I’d already missed two of my son’s boot camp graduations…wasn’t this the least I could do? My poor stomach muscles. Our turn arrived. I crept into the dungeon of my nightmares. Never has ninety seconds seemed so long. And after exiting it’s not done! You still have to climb a bit more up into the top of the arch. Closed in all around you, echoes from so many people surround you, and no way out! A small section is for walking and along the sides are carpeted areas to lean onto so you can look out the windows. Thank goodness I was lying down to do this! The buildings and cars are so far down. My stomach pitched again. I know I felt the monument swaying. I also know I heard my youngest giggling several times. I also know what she was giggling at.
Back on the ground…the sweet, sweet, solid ground, I could now enjoy the beautiful panoramic view. The sweep of granite steps below that oversaw the majestic Mississippi river with real paddle boats moving downstream. The trees surrounding the area reached high up in the sky. But not as high as we had just been. My stomach ungnarled itself from it’s hiding place, and my world no longer tilted.
As I glanced over at my daughter, I breathed in deeply and patted myself on the back. I had done it. This mom who had delivered six wonderful children, who had let them down those children so many times, even though she didn’t want or mean to, had not let two of them down this time. Even if it meant overcoming more than one fear in order to do it. All of us can overcome our fears, one step at a time, little by little. This time of year is all about change, not letting our fear get in the way may let us move forward to a new, wonderful change in our lives! Bring it on change!
Published in Bottom Line News & Views March 14th, 2018